Getting To Know The Real Me

A self-awareness journey

Photo of author in 2017

An abusive relationship led me to an identity crisis. Even my physical appearance started to change. In the midst of that chaos, I was diagnosed with a debilitating auto-immune condition.

I didn’t recognize myself anymore. But it wasn’t the beginning of my emotional suffering.

It was years of repetitive trauma, suppressing my emotions and code switching. The relationship was just the last strike in the box of matches that had been my life.

The tears and despair were real. I didn’t want to be here anymore — at least not as the same sullen young ghetto girl I was once was sitting uncomfortably on the cold metal bar attached to my tenement building.

I was a grown woman now sick of being tired with multiple diagnoses as proof of my afflictions that were aging me prematurely.

The necessary introspection that was required to begin my self-awareness journey had taken root. The deep-seated scars and fears my urban life now required my immediate attention. I could no longer ignore my self-betrayal while speed walking through the city.

I always thought I was a cheerleader for change but that was a boldfaced lie I had been telling myself. Yes, I was quick to advise someone else that change is good when I was hypocritically shaking in my own boots and comfort zone.

There were two specific things, besides praise and hallelujahs, that were the catalyst to helping me become more self-aware:

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1. I learned to meditate through online teachings by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
2. I read the book“The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Here are several critical things I discovered after deep self-reflection within a two-year time period (2020–2021):

A pattern of self-sabotage

I was afraid of taking risks. There was something inside of me suppressing the implementation of executing my plans. I had to unlearn the self-defeating behaviors I saw in my family and detach my identity from those who raised me.

Prioritizing the needs of others

I became too content and comfortable with always being there for others. It started when I was very young, trying to please family members and that spilled into my friendships and unlikely career path.

Detached from how I was feeling

I spent many years with anxiety and depression. Hanging out with friends, going to hip-hop parties, and partaking in subconscious habits and behaviors left me with a persistent void in my soul. I was not being honest with myself.

I wasn’t listening

I didn’t trust my inner voice. I quickly disregarded positive engagement with my thoughts because I didn’t have the tools to understand that I lacked self-respect so how could I expect others to respect me.

Lacking commitment and consistency

I will admit, I was a bit flaky. I was not committed to experiencing joy and was inconsistent in most areas of my life.

Self-awareness wasn’t a part of my culture but I needed it to be so I had to step outside of the norm to find myself. Once I set the intention to take full accountability for my experiences, I understood that I could consciously create another story for myself.

I believe I’m doing that now, fully aware of every step I take.

Said by Simone🤎

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Until next time…peace ✌🏽

Poet and Creative Writer